Healing After Harm: You are worth more than what they did to you
There’s something quietly heartbreaking about realizing someone didn’t treat you with the care you deserved. It lingers — not always loudly, but often in the quietest places: in your body, your thoughts, and the way you move through relationships. It’s not just what happened. It’s what it meant.
And that meaning gets stored in your nervous system.
As a therapist, I see this weight show up in the lives of so many. People walking around with stories that whisper:
- "If they left, I must not be lovable."
- "If they hurt me, I must not be good."
- "If they betrayed me, something must be wrong with me."
But I want to say this clearly and gently:
You are worth more than how people have treated you.
Your worth was never meant to be measured by someone else's ability to love you well.
The Neuroscience of Relational Wounds
When someone we trust wounds us — whether through betrayal, neglect, criticism, or abandonment — it doesn’t just hurt emotionally. It impacts us neurologically. Our brain's threat detection system (amygdala) becomes more sensitive, and over time, the prefrontal cortex, which helps us reason and regulate emotions, can struggle to override those strong threat responses.
As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk notes in The Body Keeps the Score, trauma — especially relational trauma — can cause our body to remain in a state of hypervigilance. Even in moments of peace, our nervous system may still expect danger, rejection, or harm.
This is why someone can appear “overreactive” to a small comment or withdraw suddenly after what seems like a mild disagreement. The reaction isn’t always about the present — it’s about a pattern their brain and body have learned to protect them from.
How Relational Harm Shapes Self-Perception
When mistreatment comes from someone we love or rely on — especially in childhood — it often leads to internalized shame. Rather than believing "They treated me poorly," we unconsciously adopt the belief:
"I must be hard to love."
"I’m too much."
"I’m not enough."
This self-blame is a survival adaptation — a way to make sense of pain in relationships we’re dependent on. But over time, it distorts our self-concept and leads to fear-based patterns like people-pleasing, self-abandonment, or emotional avoidance.
Relational Science: We Heal in Safe Connection
Relational science shows that healing from emotional wounds often happens in relationship, not just in solitude. Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), emphasizes that “we are wired for connection.” Attachment injuries — when those we love fail us — can only be truly healed through corrective emotional experiences where we feel seen, valued, and safe.
This is why therapy, spiritual community, and safe friendships are not just helpful — they are healing environments.
Steps Toward Healing After Harm
Here are 6 steps you can take to begin making space for emotional wounds — and to move through and beyond them:
1. Name the Hurt Without Dismissing It
You don’t have to justify what someone did to make peace with it. Start by writing down or saying out loud what happened and how it made you feel. Be honest. Be unfiltered. Name the impact.
📝 Try: “When they ignored my need, I felt small and invisible. I learned to silence myself.”
2. Separate Your Worth from Their Behavior
Their mistreatment is not evidence of your unworthiness. Say this to yourself often:
"Their inability to love me well does not mean I am unlovable."
3. Understand the Pattern, Not Just the Person
Ask yourself: “What patterns are being repeated here? Where did I learn to tolerate this kind of treatment?” Understanding your history can help you interrupt cycles of re-enactment and reclaim agency.
4. Reclaim the Body’s Safety
Start noticing when your body feels activated (tight chest, shallow breath, racing thoughts). Practice grounding techniques such as:
Box breathing (inhale 4 – hold 4 – exhale 4 – hold 4)
5-4-3-2-1 technique (naming senses)
Movement (stretching, walking, shaking off tension)
This helps teach your nervous system: You are safe now.
5. Practice Boundary Work Without Guilt
Boundaries are not about punishment — they are about protection. Let your boundaries be clear, consistent, and kind. Even with family.
🗣 Example: “I’m not ready to have that conversation yet, but I value our relationship.”
6. Seek Healing Relationships
Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends, healing often happens in the presence of someone who offers compassion and attunement. You don’t have to do it alone. In fact, you’re not meant to.
A Faithful Reminder: What God Says About You
When the world tells you that your value depends on how others treat you, God tells a different story. When people fail you, God never does. Your value doesn’t shift based on others’ actions — it’s rooted in divine love. The Bible is full of moments where the brokenhearted are seen, comforted, and deeply loved.
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18
"You are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you." - Isaiah 43:4
"Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close." - Psalm 27:10
The truth is, your value has never been up for debate. It's not tied to how well others love you-it's anchored in the way God loves you. And His love is steadfast, healing, and unwavering. Where people may fail, God remains faithful.
He sees every scar you carry.
He knows the nights you've cried.
He still calls you beloved.
A Gentle Invitation
If someone mishandled your heart, that doesn’t make your heart unworthy of care.
If you've ever found yourself asking, "What's wrong with me?" or "Why wasn't I enough?"-please hear this:
You are not broken beyond repair.
You are not too far gone.
And the fact that someone mishandled your heart does not mean you're unworthy of kindness, respect, safety, or love.
Your healing matters. Your story matters. And you are worth the work it takes to come home to yourself — free from shame, full of dignity, and no longer bound by what others failed to see in you.
Healing is possible. And you don't have to do it alone.
